If I Could Relive Any Day of My Life
If I could go back and relive one day in my life it would be the day when X told me that he loved me. I did not believe him. I told him he was a lier. If I knew then what I know now, I would have accepted his love as real. Back then I looked at the world through trauma colored glasses. I hated myself and felt completely undeserving of love. I did not trust people, especially men, so I refused to believe him. I was behaving in the world as if I was still living in an abusive environment. The problem with living that way is that you make decisions based on oversensitive flight or fight reactions. So, when you make a decision or respond to someone with this distorted view, everything is upsidedown and decisions are not based on the reality that you are safe and that you are deserving of love.
this is tough. there are some decisions i would have made differently if i hadn’t been living in a trauma colored world. sometimes i still feel angry about the setbacks.
i love you.
p.s. it is good to see you writing again!